i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
