Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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