My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
