I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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