Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
