my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
