drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
