The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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