I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
