I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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