So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
