I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
