The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
