Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Vodka?
Forever.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
