census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
