Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
