Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
