Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We left the knife in your bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
