So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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