Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
