My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
