I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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