South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
