3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
