I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
