so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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