my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
