if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
