one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
