need another drink. this is the easiest way
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
