I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
