i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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