All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
