Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
is wine microwaveable?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
