Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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