mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
