eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
FUCK WHALES
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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