he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
