So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
