i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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