filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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