God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
