i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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