Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
