I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
