I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
