I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
