if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
