Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
