I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
