and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
